measure in love
by dandelionofmine
Summary: how do you measure your life? in heartaches? in fuck ups? in bright futures? in lost lives? in great moments ? how about in love?


Chapter 1

In sunsets

Song: why am I the one by fun " _for once, I get the feeling that I'm right where I belong"_

The nudge against my shoulder is what wakes me up, just barely though. I hear a voice, soft and little a little bit scared, but I can't make out what it's saying, so I force my eyes to open fully.

"Katniss? I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you? Please, I don't want to be alone," my little sister says.

"Yeah, sure, come here," I say, opening my arms to let her in. She climbs into bed, curling up in my arms. I run my fingers through her hair to lure her to sleep again.

"You're okay now, I'm here," I say.

"They wanted to get me, do bad things to me, and you weren't there or Mommy and Daddy!" she cries.

"Nobody is going to get you, OK? I'm not gonna let it happen. I'm here, try to go to sleep," I say softly to reassure her. When her cries turn into sobs, I do the one thing I know will calm her when she has a nightmare. I sing the lullaby dad used to sing to me when I would have bad dreams as a child.

I sing till her breaths become even and she's fast asleep. That is the last coherent thought I have before drifting back to sleep myself.

When I wake up again it is still dark outside, and I carefully slip out of bed. I shower and get into hunting gear and head to the kitchen to eat before heading to the woods. I find Haymitch in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in hand, reading, or attempting to, as he tries to get over a hangover.

Though I hate that he drinks, I'll never give him hell about it. How can I when he's the one that has been like a dad to us. He's not the best but at least he gives a shit, and it's almost so random that we became this little family but I'll never forget the way we came to be.

It had been a long couple years since daddy's death.

I was 13 and Prim was 9 and we were, there's no other way to put it, dirty. We had gone into foster care almost 2 years before we met Haymitch and Maysilee.

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We had been taken into foster care because my so-called mother had checked out of reality after daddy died in the mines. That morning was like every other. Mother woke us up and we took a shower. We got dressed for school and had breakfast together. Mother always made sure to kiss daddy tenderly, and he would hold her in his arms a minute too long but never long enough that it felt cheesy or wrong. I wanted to love someone that way someday. They hugged us and told us how much they loved us. Then daddy took us to school where I walked Prim to her class and headed to mine. That was us. We were happy all together or _I_ was happy like that.

Yeah, we weren't by any means rich in a material way, but we never wanted for anything. We had music and stories, the lake and the woods all to ourselves. What more did we need?

Next thing I know I'm being called into the principal's office. When I walked in he gave me this look that I hated, one of pure pity and fake sympathy, but then again I didn't know what was happening.

"Miss Everdeen," he said. I replied, "Yes." The next words that came out of his mouth were almost foreign, like he wasn't even speaking English. "Katniss, I know you must be wondering what you are doing here. No, you are not in trouble. I'm going to need you to be calm because what I'm about to tell you is something no little girl like you should have to face alone, but I can't do anything about it. There's been a malfunction in the mines your father worked at, and several miners have lost their lives. I am so sorry to tell you that your mother just called to inform me that she's coming to get you and your sister because she needs you guys right now. Your father didn't make it." The only things I registered were "mines," "malfunction," and "didn't make it." I only knew I wanted daddy and he wasn't there.

From then on my life was a blur between taking care of Prim and taking care of my mother. Nothing seemed real. The funeral was spent holding my little sister's hand in mine and trying not to cry. My only real memory is this other girl and her mother that were there in a sea of miners. It was pretty hard to miss them. The mother was tall and lean, eyes as black as night, but it was the girl I was curious about because she didn't look that much older than me, 5 years older tops. Her eyes were so familiar, grey like my daddy's, but hers were hard. Just as I was about to approach them, they up and left. Some time later I found out who that girl was but the reality of the situation pulled me out of this trance I was in.

The insurance daddy had left was enough for the house mortgage, and at the beginning mother tried. She would get up to work and try to get the groceries and look after us when we got sick. Then she wouldn't get up once a week and then twice. Soon we were lucky if she came out of her room at all.

I was desperate. I knew I could take it, being filthy and hungry, but Prim … my sweet little sister, the sister who got upset because I was upset even though she didn't know why we were crying in the first place, no. So I did everything I could so nobody would notice us and our problems. Nobody would give a job to an eleven year old, and now that I think about it I was so stupid I wouldn't have given a job to myself. Pretty soon we ran out of food and Prim cried tears of hunger and I cried tears of anger because I felt so alone.

One faithful day I couldn't take it anymore. I got dressed in the baggiest pair of pants I owned. I pinned my hair on top of my head and put on a hat and a shirt so I looked different, almost like a boy. I went to the dollar store without any money and stole a couple of cans of food. I ran as fast as I could when I heard someone yelling, "Hey! No! Stop that boy!" I ran and I ran until I couldn't hear anyone yelling or anyone chasing me down the street. For a second I didn't want to stop. It had been almost seven months of this, and I was tired, but I wouldn't leave Prim. Never.

I got home and we had whatever I got off the shelf for dinner (tomato soup and tuna). It was the first time we had eaten dinner before bed in a long time. It went on like this for over a month. I hated it, but what could I do? When Prim would ask me how I got our food, I would lie and tell her I bought it with some money I'd found on the street. One day I came home and found her eating some chips. I asked her how she'd gotten that bag of chips, and she turned, looked me dead in the eye, and told me that she'd gotten it because she found some money on the street. That about killed me. I grabbed her by the arm and told her to never do it again, to never steal again, and she began to cry, telling me she was hungry and that she didn't mean to. I went to the store to get dinner. I was always very careful to change my clothes before going to do what I was about to do, but I was so distracted by thoughts of my sister going to the store and begging for food or stealing it that I didn't even notice the policeman behind me. I only became aware of him when he took the can from my hand. I grew nervous because I didn't want to go to prison.

"Where's your mother, girl? Aren't you a little young to be shopping by yourself?" he asked. I lied, "My little sister is sick and mommy asked me to bring some food because she was taking care of her."

He raised an unimpressed eyebrow and asked, "Did she now? And do you any have money to pay for it? " I started to shiver because I should've have known. I felt like crying and I thought, " _just take me now, let me rot in jail_." I just wanted it all to be over. I wanted my daddy back and I wanted my mom to take care of us, but it didn't happen, so I just shook my head and held my hands up in the air like I'd seen in the paper. The policeman just looked at me and got on his knee so that we were at eye level. He asked me where I lived and I told him. He walked me home, looked around the house, and just like that we were out of that house forever. I haven't seen my mother since.

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Haymitch and his wife came along 17 months later. They had trouble conceiving so they looked into foster care so that they could adopt. When they showed up, I didn't get excited like I did in the beginning because Prim and I were a package deal. Either the two of us or none and nobody wanted 2 older kids, so I was starting to think ahead to the day I turned 18 and I would have to get us out. In the meantime, I was relieved that we had something to eat everyday, and I was happy Prim got to be 9 for a change. But then I saw Prim in rapt conversation with Maysilee. I wasn't worried about it because that was my sister always wanting to get to know people and their stories and she was good at listening too. I was the opposite. It's hard for me to talk to people. I wasn't good at making friends or saying something, at least aloud. I could write. I could spend hours making up stories and that's how Haymitch caught me writing.

I was sitting by a tree in back of the school like house that had all the foster kids with my little notebook propped against my legs so that I could keep an eye on Prim. I was writing a story about a kingdom ruled by a cruel prince at war with the fairies of the night. It was a request from one of the little girls we had meet there, Rue. I couldn't help but to warm up to her when I saw the resemblance between her and my sister. Just as I was getting to the epic kiss shared by the mother fairy and her loyal soldier before he faces the cruel price era, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Annoyed by the distraction, I looked up and saw a man looking down at me.

"What?" I said, a little more harshly than necessary. The stranger said,

"You know how to make a good first impression don't ya, sweetheart?" I wanted to get up and leave but instead I scolded him.

"Don't call me that. Who are you anyway ?"

He chuckled at me "The name is Haymitch, sweetheart."

My scowl deepened. "Don't call me that. I'm Katniss. And what do you want?"

I realize now I was being a brat but in my defense I didn't know what he wanted. For all I knew he was bad news. He actually laughed at me when he saw my expression. He said,

"I do believe my wife is talking to your sister over there?" He pointed at the pretty blond woman sitting by Prim. I nodded.

"Yeah that's my little sister, but you can't take her," I said firmly. I was impressed with myself at my response because that's the most I had talked to a grown up in over 2 years. He surely wasn't going to take my sister away without me. Surprise, he told me they actually wanted the both of us if i wanted to and almost 6 years later, I don't think I ever officially said yes. We just never looked back.

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I get a mug for myself and fill it up so I can take it to the woods with me.

"So you out to the woods, hey sweetheart?"

I smirk at him "Why yes Papa Haymitch. I can trust you'll be able to feed yourself and Primrose just fine this morning?" I say in my most dramatic British accent. I have to hold back laughter when I see him roll his eyes at the nickname I accidentally gave him. Two years after the adoption process was over, Prim wanted to call him something other than Haymitch, so I jokingly came up with "Papa Haymitch." He hates it but puts up with it for Prim and May, our nickname for Maysilee before she got real sick with cancer and passed away two years love it but i call him that just to annoy him.

He grunts at me, "Ha ha ha. Get out of here. I want you back before dark, you hear me?"

I chuckle and roll my eyes "Yes I will be back before nighttime, Haymitch."

"I'm only doing my fatherly job here, sweetheart." He air quotes the word "fatherly." I laugh.

"Really Haymitch, air quotes, fatherly job? I'll be fine. I do it all the time, and besides, I want to come home early cause I'm getting my letter in the mail anytime now. Could you keep an eye out for it? Please?"

"Oh yeah, the big move is coming soon. Yes, don't worry sweetheart, your letter is safe with me," he promises. I head to the woods for a little walk like I always did with daddy. When I get there I sit down on a rock and pretend that he's there with me. I tell him just like I would had he been alive right now "I'm going to college soon. I'm going to Juilliard. Remember how you used to tell us stories? Well my drama teacher, Mrs. Trinket, thought that I might be good at it, and we submitted an essay and my resume for the theater program, which is why I'm even going. I don't want to leave Prim, but I need to find a job before she can come live with me. There's also Haymitch. He's ok, I think you'd like him," I say, laughing at the thought of Haymitch and daddy as friends. I stay a little longer in my woods making sense of how my life turned out like this. I never thought that I'd even be going to community college let alone to write. Effie is delusional. I thought my high school diploma would get me a good enough job so I could help support the house and help with Prim's tuition, but Effie insisted that I should just try, that I didn't want to waste all this talent. I felt so uncomfortable that I agreed just to shut her up, but now I'm actually curious, am I talented enough? I guess I'll soon find out.

When I get home Haymitch and Prim are watching a movie, so I sit down with them on the couch.

"What are we watching?" I ask while I get rid of my jacket. My sister regards me with wide eyes and a manic smile.

"What's wrong with you?" I say to her cause she's actually scaring me. Before I can continue my questioning, she jumps off the couch and heads to the kitchen to get something. Several minutes later she comes back to find me in the same exact spot. She has a white envelope with my name on it. My mouth is instantly dry. My eyes go wide , and I turn to Haymitch.

"But, already?" I ask like an idiot because don't I have the freaking letter in my hand?

"Open it, open it, open it," Prim says in in a tone so high I know only dogs can hear her. Haymitch, still in his chair, merely glances at the envelope. I open the letter and read

" _Dear Miss Everdeen,_

 _Juilliard is proud to inform you that your essay along with recommendation letter were reviewed and are happy to offer you a spot in our 2018 class …."_

I don't finish the letter because Prim is hugging me so hard and Haymitch is at my side.

I guess I do have the talent after all .


End file.
